Guilt vs Shame

Today I want to discuss a topic which has been stirring in me for a long time, the destructive power of shame. You may or may not realise but because of shame – you have already forfeited more potential than the world will ever take from you. Shame has the power, if you allow it, to drive you into an eating disorder, depression, suicide, into a life that you hate. All of us who carry shame are forced to walk around in chains unable to find happiness or joy. This is not how anyone wants to live.

Shame is very different to guilt. Guilt is a healthy positive emotion which allows us to realise we have done something wrong. A world without guilt would be a cold harsh world. Guilt helps us establish healthy relationships with ourselves, others and with God. As humans we are all imperfect and we all do things we regret, however guilt allows us to express “I am sorry for what I did” and in the process acknowledge behaviours we feel are wrong. It is a gift used for the restoration of relationships, an acknowledgement of failure and a desire to not repeat this behaviour again. It is an opportunity for repentance and it allows opportunity for forgiveness*. Guilt is the only way we can grow into better people, and into stronger relationships.

*Forgiveness is not always possible or given freely. This is not a reflection of you and it does not mean that you need to stay in that place of guilt. Sometimes you must forgive yourself.

Where guilt expresses “I am sorry for what I did”, shame expresses “I am sorry for who I am”. Guilt acknowledges a bad choice, shame indicts a bad person. Shame ignores your good choices, your human imperfection and your willingness to change. At first it whispers in your ear telling you “it’s not a big deal, there’s no need to acknowledge it”, “if you do acknowledge it, it will define you, and so it’s best to lock it away and ignore it”. However, what started out as a whisper is now shouting so loudly you can’t hear anything else. You can’t hear the compliments your partner gives you, the promotion at work, the new friend you made, and most sad thing you can’t even hear the grace of God.  You can’t hear that you’ve already been forgiven. You can’t hear that you are his child, his creation and he loves you so much despite the mistakes you have made, the bad choices are making and those that you are inevitably going to make.

The only way to abolish shame is to open those closed doors. To admit to those things that you don’t want anyone to see, your lies, your mental health, your sugar addiction, your porn addiction, your anger, whatever it is you have tried to ignore and disregard as “no big deal”. This revelation doesn’t have to be done for the entire world to see, but it is important that you acknowledge these things to someone you love and trust, or even a counsellor.

I have been through some counselling recently and found that the shame of some of the things I have been carrying around were so big I found myself lying/withholding information from my counsellor. How ridiculous is that? I couldn’t even open up to someone whom I was paying to help me process my emotions in a judgement-free, safe space. This showed me how powerful and destructive shame can be.

No more will I allow shame to prevent me from living my best life. No more will I allow this closed door to deny me my destiny, my potential and my happiness. I have already begun the process of opening the various doors I have had locked tight for several years and wow – there is so much freedom in opening up. This is not an over-night process. There might be different people you will need to speak to about various different things and it might not be appropriate to have this conversation over the phone. Don’t wait too long, the longer you wait, the louder the voice gets and the more potential and happiness you miss out on.

Have you struggled with shame? Are you “ashamed” of the person you are or the things you have done? Message me privately via or comment below and I will do everything in my power to help you overcome this soul-destroying emotion.



10 ways network marketing helped my mental health

In January 2017 my life fell apart.

6 months earlier I had been promoted to a job where as a 21 year old with little/no previous work experience, I was completely out of my depth. I was managing over £400 million worth of securities and all of the associated legal documents. To compensate for my lack of experience, I worked every hour under the sun, and even when I wasn’t working I was thinking about work. I tried to arrive a couple hours before my start time and stayed sometimes until 11pm to make sure that I kept on top of the work. And guess what? I never did. At the same time, I was using my lunch breaks to under-go light therapy for a auto-immune disease which affected my skin. The light-therapy sessions would leave me with sun-stroke symptoms (headache, fatigue, nausea) and burnt my skin so badly that it would leave blisters. Oh, and also my family made the decision to re-locate from Birmingham to Carlisle so there was that too.

My stress levels were at an all-time high.

At the end of January 2017 I went to an appointment at the hospital expecting to be discharged as my light therapy had thankfully come to an end…

What happened next is still a blur. But I do remember leaving the dermatology wing with four things going round my head on repeat:

  1. “If we don’t use chemotherapy, the scar tissue will spread to your lungs and you won’t be able to breathe”
  2. “Your hair will most likely fall out”
  3. “You could be infertile for the rest of your life”
  4. “I want my mom”

And so my anxiety levels spiralled. I asked the doctors to give me some medication to help with the physical symptoms and they prescribed sertraline. Within a week of taking the medication, I noticed myself driving to work planning which tree I was going to drive myself into.

I wasn’t  well enough to go into work anymore. So I worked from home for a couple of days, called in sick and eventually handed in my notice.

The next 12 months bought both physical and mental health challenges. My skin condition was spreading at an alarming rate. It spread across my right breast causing it to shrink by 2 cup sizes. My body was destroying itself from the inside and there was nothing I could do to stop it. I was put on chemotherapy in an attempt to switch off my immune system and the harshness of the drugs caused my liver to fail. Then I was put on an immuno-suppressant (the same drugs they give to people who’ve just had an organ transplant). The new medication came with fun new physical and mental health side affects.

During this time, I made the decision to start my own network marketing (NM) business. Looking back it was actually one of the best decisions I’ve ever made.

Here’s why:

  1. It gave me something to focus on other than my illness
    At first I was so ill, I couldn’t watch TV, I couldn’t even shower by myself, so no I wasn’t thinking about starting a new business at this point. But thankfully that stage only lasted a couple of months. But once I became able to concentrate on things again, a new mental battle began. One where I needed something other than TV to distract me from the fact my body was internally destroying itself.
  2. It allowed me to be productive even when I couldn’t get out of bed
    Whether it was due to the medication or depression, some days I just couldn’t get out of bed. The beauty of NM is that all you need it a wifi connection and you can literally work from anywhere. It meant that I could end the day with a small sense of achievement even if I hadn’t been able to do much else.
  3. It encouraged me to share my story
    One of the methods of selling in NM is telling people why YOU do the business and how it helped you. At this point I hadn’t really told anyone about my illness in much detail, but I found that the more I told my story, the less I was afraid of it. NM helped me turn my story from something I was ashamed about to something I was proud of.
  4. It inspired me to be creative
    In a NM business, you have no boss. You don’t have anyone telling you what to do or how to do it. This enabled me to get my creative brain on and think outside the box. In October I organised an “Autumn” themed event, made decorations, provided themed snacks and shared my business in the most creative way I could think of. I could also be creative with designing posts I shared on social media which was a quick, easy effective way to share the business with my own spin on things. Considering I was so ill at the time – this felt like such an achievement and I felt so supported by everyone who came to those events.
  5. It encouraged me to be social
    The clue here is in the name “Network Marketing” means that you have to build your network. Yes, you start with your warm network (people you know) but the magic begins once you tap into the cold network (strangers). This was actually really great for me. At this point I wasn’t working and I missed the interaction I had with my work colleagues. NM enabled me to meet new people and work with people I genuinely enjoyed the company of. Rather than feeling isolated as I had been in the first few months of my illness – I began enjoying talking to new people and interacting with them.
  6. I worked on my mind-set
    The main people that people quit in NM is because of the rejection. Its all a numbers game. Statistically you have to tell 100 people about the business to get 10 people interested, and then out of those 10 people its likely that 2 of them will be successful. Understandably, the rejection of those 80 people is too much for some people. So self-improvement and mind-set is a huge part of success in NM. Everyone at the top says that you have to grow yourself before you grow your business and so plugging into training, and reading the recommended books kept my mind-set strong and enabled me to look at my situation from a different perspective.
  7. I became part of a community of people
    I can’t say this for every NM company, but the company I joined has an incredible support network. Even people who aren’t in my success line have been so helpful, not only with my business but personally as well. They became my friends on social media, follow my progress and sent me messages of support and love. How many jobs have you had with people like that?!
  8. I was able to build skills
    Even though I wasn’t able to function in a 9-5 job, I was able to build my communication, presentation, and so many other transferable skills by applying them to my business. It also meant that when I did start studying a business management degree in September, I was able to apply everything I learnt directly into my business helping me understand and connect with the content in a much deeper meaningful way than my peers.
  9. It took the pressure off financially
    When I stopped working it was a shock to my bank account. Again I can’t speak for other NM companies but mine gave me the opportunity to earn bonuses on top of any commission and overrides I earnt. Which not only gave me something to strive for, but also meant that I always knew I was only a couple emails away from a nice £60 bonus.
  10. It gave me hope for the future
    Although I started out earning £50-100 a month (which isn’t exactly earth shattering amounts) I know that in 3-5 years time and maybe even less I can be earning/exceeding my corporate world monthly salary – without all the stress, red tape and time restriction that comes with the corporate world. Having a hope for my future really kept me going especially in those dark moments.

Sometimes things fall apart so better things can fall together. In January 2017 my life fell apart but in January 2018 my life fell began to fall together again. I came off the medication and used nutrition to heal myself. The products from my NM company helped with that alongside a professional nutritionist.

In 2017 I had lost my job, my boyfriend, my family home, my health and a lot of confidence. But in the process I found a career, my relationship with God (a story for another blog) and happiness. Just 18 months after my life fell apart: I have officially passed my first year of university, I have travelled to three new countries this year already and I am planning to spend 4 months in France later this year, I am still building my business and confident that as I continue to grow/heal so will my business, my disease officially hasn’t spread in over 6 months so next week I am attending an appointment to discuss the possibility of reconstructive breast surgery AND I am dating the most incredible guy I’ve ever met. So I guess I wanted to leave you guys with 2 key messages from sharing my story with you:

1. Don’t judge network marketing – yes its not conventional and you might not understand the model but that’s fine. It helps so many people in so many ways you might not be able to see on the surface. It might not be for you but try not to discourage those around you running there NM businesses.

2. No matter how bleak your situation looks, there’s always hope. Even if it comes in an unlikely package.

Summer Plans

So my plan to spend the summer volunteering hasnt gone to plan. They called me up a couple weeks ago and told me that my placement was no longer available and so here I am with one exam to go and then nothing to do until September…

You have no idea how relieved I am.

This year has been a struggle. I started university after 9 months of being seriously ill. Within my first term my liver had failed and I seriously contemplated dropping out. But I kept going. In January and the start of my second term, things started to look up. I felt gradually stronger both physically and mentally which enabled me to start running again and get decent grades in my mid-term exams.

And although it felt easier, by no means was it easy. There were high points and there were definite low points where I felt unable to get out of bed. I feel like I am crawling towards the finish line of year one which is in one way an incredible achievement but in another way I am ready for some time off.

Productive time off.

Even though I don’t have a placement or a job lined up, I don’t want this summer to be wasted. I want to really invest in myself so that I can hit september running.


My first goal for this summer is to properly detox. This is both internally and externally.

I am going to take the Arbonne 30 days to healthy living challenge to detox internally. This involves giving up:

  • Wheat/gluten/yeast
  • Dairy
  • Sugar/artificial sweeteners
  • •Alcohol
  • •Coffee
  • •Vinegar
  • •Soy

I am also giving up non-organic meat and any white carbs like pasta/bread/potatoes. I imagine in the first couple weeks I will be tired and hungry but its going to really kick start my system and help me complete all my other goals for the summer.

Externally I am going to be making a conscious effort to only use pure/natural ingredients. I am also choosing to not wear make-up for the duration of my detox.


Here is a list of the self-improvement books I am going to read this summer:

  • The 45 Second Presentation, Don Failla
  • Self Discipline, Brian Tracy
  • The Magic, Rhonda Byrne
  • Questions Are The Answers, Allan Pease
  • 7 Habits of Highly Effective People, Stephen Covey
  • Be a Network Marketing Superstar, Mary Christensen
  • How To Win Friends And Influence People, Dale Carnegie
  • Who Moved My Cheese, Dr Spencer Johnson
  • Rich Dad Poor Dad, Robert Kiyosaki
  • Eat That Frog, Brian Tracy


I actually enjoy running but I find it really difficult to maintain speed for more than 10 seconds so I have two goals for running this summer:

  1. Run 5K in less than 35 minutes. My average is currently 45 minutes, which doesnt seem like a huge difference but any runners will understand this is going to be a hard task.
  2. Run 26.2 miles (a marathon) in one go with no time limit.


As my house is currently on the market, its about time I had a proper sort out of things I no longer need/use. I am hoping this will help me decide what to pack for Toulouse also.


It has taken me a long time to get back into “study” mode and I don’t want to loose my study routine over summer so I will be making a head start on next years topics. I also need to learn French as I will be living in France for three months and want to get the most out of the expierience.


I will take 20 hours each week to build my network marketing business in order to keep a steady stable income.

Healthy new habits

I am a big believer in the accumilating affects of small things. A new habit takes 30 days to form so by actively concentrating to form these new habits over summer I am hoping they will stick for life.

Morning routine:

  • Wake up 6am (even on weekends)
    Having been ill, I spent so much time in bed, and naturally its where I recover. However I do not want to spend the rest of my life in bed and waste my time sleeping. University life also starts at around 7am in France so this is a routine my body will thank me for.
  • Read the Bible
    Starting the day with the right frame of mind is so important. Its a great way to gain perspective and give the day to God through prayer.
  • Read the news
    This is something I have learnt this year at uni – the importance of keeping up with recent events.

Evening routine:

  • Process the day by writing, either in my personal diary or via a blog
  • No screens 30 minutes before sleep


For someone who has “nothing planned” for the summer holiday, I sure have a lot planned!





























Why Business Management?

As I sit here procrastinating revising my last exam, I thought it would be a nice idea for me to share why I choose to study BM, in the hope of reminding myself in the process.

When I was in “Secondary” or “High” school my favourite subjects were History, Music, English and Business. So it would make sense that my degree would end up being one of these subjects right? Well… it took me 6 personal statements and three years to finally decide that BM was right for me.

When deciding which Alevels to pick, I choose to do Biology, Chemistry, Maths and History. Looking back this was THE WORST decision I could have made. I wanted to study medicine and thats what I needed to study in order to do that. However I completly disregaurded the fact that despite getting decent grades in these subjects I was NOT a science brained person… AT ALL. I was much better at English and arty subjects hence why I liked them so much at a younger age. So after failing a couple of exams I soon realised that my medical career had ended before it had even begun.

I then explored different options like reverting back to options like History, English, Business etc. and I some how found a selling point in all of my personal statements. However as I was still learning about sciences I also explored options like nutrition and dietetics but nothing seemed to stick.

I ended up doing a Business Apprenticeship, which given that I still hadnt made up my mind about where I wanted to go, was actually the best thing I could have done in that situation. I was promoted within a year, and then within another year I was promoted again which made me realise that I was actually good at this whole Business thing after all.

My line manager at the time explained to me that I would struggle to get promoted again without a degree, and the best idea would be for me to do one part-time.

That didn’t happen for various reasons but you can read about that in my previous post “Why Uni, Why now?”

Its a boy

Welcome to your life
Well done for being a boy
I don’t know why you’re crying
For you have already won
You have won the game of life
Through genetic lottery
For you are taught to be brave
And look after girls like me
Girls can never live up to be
The perfect wife or mom
Because perfection doesn’t exsist
So our chances are already gone
For you the game is to be strong
And never let down you guard
But even though I’m not “as tough”
I’ll be here when life gets hard
I might show some emotion
Possibly leak a few tears
That doesn’t mean I’m weak
For I know you share my fears
I see deep down you feel it too
All those feelings you’ve kept shut
And even though you’re meant to be brave
It’s always okay to open up
It’s doesnt mean you loose the game
Or that you have to start again
I think it makes you more a man
To admit that you feel pain
To be vulnerable and open
It a scary thing, I know
But boy, it feel amazing
When you let yoursef let go


The snow has melted, the grass is now green
Spring has arrived and is here to bring
A fresh perspective, a season of hope
A burst of joy, a new song to sing

Pretty spring flowers, yellow, pink and white
Warm April showers and brand new life
Greeted with all the happiness
And expectancy of a newly wed wife

The leaves slowly return, embracing new friends
Full of life and colour, a vivid lush green
Choose wisely, the leaves you allow to grow
Choose leaves that are kind and encourage you to dream

Look forward to new beginnings
Soak up that warm sun
But don’t get too comfortable
For the real work has barely just begun

Modern day slavery

Once upon a time, it was the males duty to provide for his family by hunting and gathering. It was the female’s duty to prepare the food and look after the home whilst her partner did so.

That was a VERY long time ago.

Now, we live in a world where some women are forced to work on street corners, to enable her and ‘her fella’ to get high that night. He will drop her off, and not allow her back in the house until she has made enough cash to get them through to the next day. That’s if they make it through the night.

If she tries to stop, she’ll get beaten, making it harder for her to entice customers. And even if she manages to get away the withdrawal symtoms will probably kill her anyway. There is literally no escape.

So when you’re about to call someone a whore, or you’re about to look down on a woman involved in prositution, just stop and think. That woman, is still a woman. She is still a daughter, a sister, a mother. Yes, she fell in love and made a bad choice but honestly who hasn’t? None of us are perfect. That’s the nature of being human.

How can we help?
Volunteer/Give – there are loads of charities that assist women involved in prositution in various ways such as health care, lifts to appointments, job interview tips, food, condoms etc etc
Challenge – the next time you hear someone talking about a woman involved in prositution in a negative way challenge them – help them see the other side of the picture
Be Kind – just as you would offer a homeless person some change, the next time you see a woman involved in prositution talk to her – see what she needs – ask if she has eaten today – buy her a sandwhich



With one week left to my half marathon and only three weeks left of term (when writing this post), today was a day of refocusing, recentering.

Its been good to reflect on what has gone well over the last few weeks and the things that I’ve let slip which need to be picked back up again. The three main catogories being: diet, dating and doing revision.

At the beggining of January I decided to make the scary decision of coming off all my perscribed medications. Turns out the medication was making me more ill than my actual illness & it wasn’t even working anyway… so best. decision. ever.
I worked with a nutritionist to use my diet as my new form of medication. At first it went really well and I even managed to keep to the strict supplement schedule, but as the weeks went on I slowly started re-introducing forbidden food groups (mainly beans and the occasional dose of gluten). I realised that these slip-ups have been mostly due to a lack of preperation rather than a lack of self-control. SO to counter balance this, I have created a meal plan! The plan is to avoid all white/unhealthy carbs and eats lots of protein/fat. This is to help me become a fat processing running machine!


I have also set up some really healthy boundaries with this new guy I have just started dating. We both really like each other so it’s been a really fun but rather intense couple of weeks, and obviously that is just not sustainable. I noticed within 2 weeks that the amount of contact we had was beginning to feel addictive but draining at the same time.

He makes me laugh out loud at some of the awful jokes he produces and hilarious stories he tells. I guess its just nice being able to talk to someone you click with. But because we enjoyed the conversation so much we got lost in it and kinda overdosed on it. Turns out you CAN have too much of a good thing. 

After talking about it (communication is key) we both agreed that we wanted to keep seeing each other at the same level but decided to cool off the texting element. Which really gives us the best of both worlds. It also means that the quality of conversation we have when we are toegther will be better and it gives us the chance to miss each other a little during the day.


I learnt last term that I need to revise a topic as soon as its taught. However, that requires time and effort and determination. Once i’m in the revision mind set – nothing can stop me. HOWEVER getting into that frame of mind is so hard.

Does anyone have any revision tips? If so… please share in the comments below!

Tick tock goes the clock

I always thought I’d be married by the age of 21. That I’d have a stable job that I love, a smoking hot husband and a small house to make my own.

I’m now 23.5 years old and I’m not even remotely close to that life. Hell, I’m not even sure I want that life. I don’t have a job, a boyfriend or anything of substance to my name. I am also rapidly running out of savings… yet some how that’s ok. Yes I want children and a house, but I’m not so sure about a 9-5. That’s why I want my network marketing to pick up so that I can leverage my time more effectively.

I’d like a couple of my own businesses too but they’re top secret for now 😉

I’m quite glad things turned out the way they did, even if it does mean I’m slightly strapped for cash for a few months.


Last night I had a dream, and in my dream I was in the most beautiful library you could ever imagine. As I walked in, the smell of old books hit me, almost like the heat hits you as you walk off the plane towards your holiday destination.  This library was huge, it had about 400 floors of books. The ladders looked rather precarious but the librarians operating them seemed unphased by the hight and unstabilty before them.

I soon got the impression that this was no ordinary library. There were no other people inside, yet I didn’t feel like an intruder, I felt at home. I decided to have a closer look so I climbed the stairs to the first floor of books. I ran my hands across them as I walked past hundreds of books. When I got tired, I stopped and decided to open a book. It was called 09/03/2009 “how uncreative” I thought. But as I turned through the pages I realised that these were not the novels I had expected, instead they were full of events that had happened on this date.

08:15: Ignored brothers request for a hug
09:04: Disrespectful to her mother
09:13: Thought mean things about the new girl at school
09:31: Thought unpure thoughts towards the boy she fancied
10:08: Lied to a teacher regarding homework

and this was the first page of 500, of 09/03/2009 (what I thought was a rather insignifcant day until now).

I soon realised that these books were records of all the sins I had ever commited in my life.

I felt overwelmed and started to cry. I felt ashamed of all of the bad things I had done in my life and wondered how I would ever begin to make up for them all. But then, one of the librarians came up to me and asked what was wrong…
I replied “Look at what I have done, how could I ever pay off this debt that I owe”
The librarian smiled and gave me a hug, “but look here, you see that signature after each line? Its quite messy I know, but that’s Jesus signing them off, saying that you have been forgiven of each and every sin you have ever commited and we even have a section over there with the sins you havn’t even commited yet. Your debt has been paid, you are a free woman.”

According to google, there have been 107,602,707,791 people born on this planet.
Now consider how many people are yet to be born. That is a lot of librarys.

When you hear the message this Easter that “Jesus died for all our sins” I want you to think about the gravity of what that means.

Every unpure thought, white lie, war, gossip, murder, act of greed/voilence/selfishness/abuse/pride/hypocrisy that has been commited in the past or in the future has been forgiven so that we might be able to have a personal relationship with God and enter into Heaven when we have finished our time here on earth.

That’s why today is called Good Friday.
For it was the greatest day in history.