SELF-LOVE

Ashamedly the last six months has been the longest period of time of my teenage/adult life that I’ve been single.

As such, its been a somewhat challenging adjustment period. I have learnt a lot about myself and have slowly come to realise that actually I don’t need to be in a relationship to be happy. IN FACT; its probably the reason why some (not all) of my previous relationships have ended.

SO what now? I’m going to do all of the things I wanted to do that I couldn’t do whilst in a relationship.

  1. DATE
    Dating can be fun! It doesn’t have to be about “finding the one” or looking specifically for someone to spend the rest of your life with. People have amazing stories. And hey if you don’t have fun; you’re just gaining perfect material for your next HOT date!  – I’d like to stress that for me this isn’t about finding a hook up or satisfying a physical need. ITS ABOUT HAVING FUN AND ENJOYING LIFE!
  2. FRIENDS
    So i’d like to be the type of person that spent as much time with their friends as they do with their significant others, but sadly I’m not. As a borderline introvert and 100% romantic; when I’m in a relationship I like to also be BFFs with them which doesn’t leave much time for anyone else. I’m going to spend more time with friends, try to rebuild bridges I have allowed to fall down and create new ones where-ever possible.
  3. EXPERIMENT
    This is kinda linked to no. 1 but there are a few things thngs i’d like to explore that I didn’t get chance to whilst in a reltionship… Who knows what might come of it?
  4. TRAVEL
    OK so I guess I did this whilst in a relationship but solo travel is a completely different expierience. Also it would mean that I wouldn’t have to stay in a fancy hotel or fly business class like some of my ex’s have wanted to do. DON’T GET ME WRONG – they were finnnnnnneeeee ass holidays but I am craving a true backpack expierience and to be fully emersed in all the different cultures the world has to offer.
  5. BUILD NEW SKILLS
    I don’t know about you guys but as a couple you don’t have a lot of free time; and any time you do have you feel like you need to be together watching netflix or doing date night etc. Whilst that has been fun; its time to invest in some new skills. In my case its a case of dusting off my piano and learning Spanish.
  6. DO THINGS ALONE
    Like going to the cinema, or taking a trip to a national trust house or exploring somewhere new. You don’t need a guy to take you on a date – TAKE YOURSELF!

At the end of the day; you need to love yourself before you are truely capable of loving someone else. Only you hold the key to your own happiness. It’s likely that you won’t be single forever so enjoy and embrace this period of you life and be the best God Damn version of you possible.

Be an independant wo-man who don’t need no-man.

And then sooner or later they’ll all come running and you’ll feel like none of them are worthy of your time because you have the best life without them so why would you give that up?

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Shower

I like to end the day with a Shower
To wash off the events of the day
Let go of any frustration and
the lost words I couldn’t find to say

For what has happened is history
Theres no point dwelling in the past
Watch the water slowly drain away
Alongside the burdens you have cast

I like to turn the heat up high
Until my limbs turn red
I let the warmth recharge my soul
and think towards whats ahead

I leave the shower a different girl
To the one who entered in
Because I have repented
And been forgiven of my sin

Anger

For a long time I was angry;

At myself for not seeing this coming

For ignoring all the warning signs

Because neither of us fought hard enough

For being ill and not knowing how to deal with it.

That even though we both said we were lucky to have each other, some how we ended up not together.

For suggesting something pretty shady through desperation and wondering if that’s the reason you didn’t want to fight for us anymore.

That I couldn’t be angry with you. Because you are the best thing that ever happened to me and I couldn’t follow through with it. I couldn’t be the person you needed me to be. I couldn’t be the person I wanted to be for you.

That I still miss you. Even though I’ve put all my energy into trying not too.

That when I went to pick up my things from your house I said goodbye with a smile, drove around the corner and sobbed in my car for 30 minutes because when I walked out that house I wasn’t just leaving my boyfriend, I was leaving my best friend, my family, and the life that we built over the last three years. I physically couldn’t drive. I had just jumped out of the aeroplane without my parachute and realised that that was the end.

That there are things that I have left at yours and even though I really want them I’m too scared to come get them back. Because I don’t know if I can do it again. If I will be able to leave you without falling to pieces in your arms.

But the anger didn’t last. It slowly faded until one day I woke up and realised it was gone.

And in a way I was sad, because it was much easier to be angry than to miss you.

 

2018

Sometimes its good to look back, to see how far you’ve come. But it is much more important to look forward to all the opportunities that lie ahead.

Church
Re-finding God has been on my agenda for the last few years, but this year I had the break through I needed. My goal for this year is to continue to get closer with God and become more involved in the Church community.

Uni
Starting my Business Management degree was an unexpected addition to 2017, and will be a big part of the next three years. I will have finished my first year and will be moving onto my second year (where the real work will begin!). Obviously I would like a first to round off my first year, but I have decided that its not going to be my biggest priority as it doesnt actually count towards my final grade. In terms of uni, my biggest goals are; to have mastered the art of referencing and to have made a couple of close friends. I would like to be well enough (health wise) to be able to spend the first semester of the second year in Toulouse. But it’s not the end of the world if that doesnt happen.

Travel/Spanish
Next summer I would love to travel around Europe exploring different cultures and embrace the “backpack” lifestyle. I would also love to be speaking enough Spanish to have a basic conversation with someone!

Health
I guess to some extent this one is out of my hands. But I will continue to do all I can on my journey to good health including exercise and clean eating!

What are your plans for the new year? Send me links to your blogs in the comments below; i’d love to hear what you’re going to be up too! 

 

2017

What a year.

One that I will look back on and know how strong I am because I made it through to see the other side.

I have lost a lot this year, some friends, my health, my childhood home, the closeness and unity of my family, my job and my long-term boyfriend. Lets face it, THIS YEAR SUCKED.

In June my mental health hit an all time low point, and I wanted to end my own life. I just couldn’t see the light at the end of the tunnel. Depression is terrfying. I’ve never been so happy of something that I failed at in my whole life.

I have also gained a lot from this year. There is something about hitting rock bottom that is strangely refreshing.  It makes you realise what is real, what is not, who is there for you and who jumps ship when the shit hits the fan. I realised that life is not worth living if you are living for your own purpose. It enabled me to wholley give my life to God with no reserves, no doubts, no hesitation.

For the last couple of years i’ve been searching for happiness. My focus has been on getting the promotion, planning the perfect holiday but nothing was ever good enough. Don’t get me wrong, there were moments of happiness, ups and downs. Nevertheless, I  I would never have found true joy outside of God.

For a long time I was angry because of all of the things “I had lost”. But how can you loose something that was never yours? I believe that everything I have, everything I am was given to me by God. So if he needed to take it all away to remind me that He is the only thing I need? I’m glad.

2017; it’s been a memorable one for sure.

2018? Bring. It. On.

 

Merry Christmas!

This is my first Christmas in the new house. In fact – my first Christmas spent outside of Birmingham! It is also the first Christmas in my adult life without a boyfriend.

For anyone who has lost anyone, or anthing important this year, this Christmas will not feel as “Merry” as it perhaps should. For those of you spending Christmas away from family, I feel you.

Naturally it’s not going to feel the same. But that doesn’t mean that it has to feel sad. Christmas is about celebrating the birthday of Jesus, and thats what it should be. A celebration of all of the good people Jesus has given us in our lives. Those people may not be able to celebrate with us this year, or may not even want to celebrate with us this year. But still we can still celebrate the lessons learnt and the victories because even a broken heart is heart that has once experienced love.  And I can’t think of a better thing to celebrate.

However this Christmas finds you, I hope you can put aside your sorrow for this one day and find joy in being alive and free.

Merry Christmas.

 

Happiness

Happiness is when you remember you’re wearing your favourite underwear today

Happiness is when there’s just enough cereal to get you through till lunch

Happiness is when you’re just about to make a drink and someone offers one to you

Happiness is giving a gift to someone without expecting anything in return

Happiness is receiving a compliment you didn’t even have to earn

Happiness is knowing that someone is there for you without asking them to stay

Happiness is lying in bed knowing everything is going to be ok

Happiness can be found in the little thing, each and everyday 

Will I ever not miss you?

It’s been ages since we’ve talked
It’s been longer since we kissed
And now I can’t help but look back
On all the things I’ve missed

I miss feeling safe and warm
When cuddled up at night
Now I’m alone in bed
And It just doesn’t feel right

When we talked I felt lighter
Like everything would be ok
Cause I knew whatever happened
You were there, at the end of the day

I liked telling you I felt happy
Cause’ you would feel the same
But I also knew when I was sad
That you would share the pain

Maybe I was sad for too long
Maybe you couldn’t take any more
Cause’ being there for somebody
Should never feel like a chore

I hope you know I never meant
To push you further and further away
It took everything I had in me
Just to make it through the day

I wish I could do it all again
Go back to the day we first met
For every day was full of love
And not one second of regret

Although it’s a while since we spoke
Since the day we decided to part
I need you to know that you’ll always
Hold a special place in my heart

A fresh start

Most people see the New Year
As their new beginning, a fresh start

But for me its Autumn
That hits refresh on my heart

Tis’ the season of jumpers
Pumpkins, colour and change
It always make me question why
Letting go always feels so strange

For some people are with you
For just a moment or a season
To help, love or guide you
Whatever the reason

Remember the summer but
Don’t be sad when the leaves fall
Sometimes God takes things away
So He can show us who we all are

What lies beneath the surface
The beauty hiding underneath
Is only truely revealed
On the falling of that last leaf

At first you might feel empty
You might feel cold and bare
But that is when you realise
Only God is ever truely there

For he is your roots and foundation
He holds you up, so you can stand
For he holds your whole life
In the palm of his hand

So bring on this fresh start
Rid me of all I once knew
For it is here in this emptiness
That I can truely know You

Autumn

Autumn has to be my favourite season of the year. The bright vibrant colours, the oversized woolly jumpers, mustard coloured hats, and of course I am a sucker for a pumpkin spiced latte.

Autumn shows us how beautiful the process of “letting go” can be.

Time to get rid of old habbits, old routines, all of the baggage you have been carrying around all year. It might feel scary, you might feel bare. But you need to let go of things that have died so that new things can grow. Relationships, possessions, jobs, whatever it might be. Eventually you’ll get used to it not being there. You’ll learn to love who you are without those things, and as soon as you do spring will be here. Bringing new life, joy and colour.