Have I been asleep all this time? I’ve been known to oversleep but 2017? When did that happen? After six months of silence… I have some explaining to do!
Honestly, without sugar coating it, the last six months have been painful. Stressed is a word which people throw around so flippantly nowadays, so lets just say I have been “desserts” instead. We all know that long periods of having… desserts… is not good for you. For one, you get fat. Very, very fat. So now add in a spoonful of pressure and a few dollops change and what do you get?! Rice frickin’ pudding.
The stupid thing is, that blogging probably would have really helped. Oh how retrospect is a beautiful thing. But ofcourse, as always I turn away from the things that I enjoy when I really need them the most. I often talk to my various friends during the working day, but some how convinced myself that if I just stopped talking for a couple of days I just might get through the end of my to do list, and I might not have to wake up in the middle of the night panicking that I had forgotten a task or starting to draft emails in my mind. Whata mistaka to makea. In choosing to limit my conversations I completed isolated myself, and ofcourse I never did make it through that to do list, and havnt even to this day.
My problem is that I give my heart and soul to everything I put my hands too. Usually, it’s not a problem, it got me great GCSEs and helped me get nominated for a shit load of awards over the years… but in this scenario, it was my kryponite. It’s soul destroying to work your ass off every day (and most evenings) to only get pulled up for the tiny errors you make, and get zero recognition or satisfaction from it because that’s what you get paid to do!. When you give your heart and soul to something, there has to be a point where it gives you something back, otherwise you end up with nothing left to give. If anything, the last six months have taught me to be more reserved with my work ethic. It has been so hard to turn it off, every day I had to actively tell myself not to push myself, to only try tp achieve what is achievable in the 8 hours I am at work, to be “average”. I almost hate myself for it. But I ended up with nothing left to give, so what other option did I have?
Over Christmas, I had a whole week to relax and to turn off from work, it gave me a glimpse of my old self again. Every day I am back into my old routine I am starting to feel myself slipping away again, the chest pains are gradually coming back and the restless nights have begun again. I am praying that this blog will keep me in refresh mode, give me an escape, and a voice to set me free from isolation. Forget “New Year New Me” I am looking for the old me, she’s awesome, but she seems to have gotten lost somewhere in the madness of 2016.