Processing a broken heart.

So many questions I want to ask.
Was it me?
Was it that argument we had?
Why did you give up so easily?
Why did I give up so easily?
When did it go so wrong?
Will we be friends in 20 years time?

I hope so.

You saved me from myself. You taught me that I was worth more than I believed when you met me. You healed me. With every kindness, with every kiss, I became the best version of myself. You were the catalyst to my recovery. And even though you’re no longer mine, I can honestly say you have left me in a much better shape than my last relationship. You have left me in a shape that now believes in true love, and self worth. A shape with only a tiny little hole to remind me of all you did for me.

Whatever you are doing in 20 years time, I hope that there is still a little bit of me with you, reminding you that even when it feels like the end, it’s only really the beginning.

Dear Heart,

Dear Heart,

It’s ok to feel adventurous, bold and strong.
It’s also ok to feel a little scared.

For it wouldn’t be an adventure if you were doing something safe, something familiar. Adventurers still feel fear, but they go anyway. For they fear the regret of not going will be greater than anything you may cross on your path.

Adventurers still fear death but the fear that haunts them the most is being dead before their pulse has stopped. Living pay day to pay day or weekend to weekend, simply surviving the days in between. That is the thought that terrifies them the most.

I know you are going to feel this pain that you carry wherever you are. Whether we’re sitting on my sofa at home together or whether we are exploring a new city or lake. The difference is that you are much more likely to heal when you are exposed to beautiful new places, than you will be staring at that phone waiting for a text that we both know isn’t coming.

I know you are broken and I am sorry I let this happen. I promise that one day you’ll look back at this time and realise it made you smarter, stronger and even more determined. You’ll look back at this with happiness for it is no ones fault, as much as you try to blame yourself. You both loved each other with all you had, and you grew and grew and grew together but at the end of the day it’s not just your decision. It’s mine too. As much as you’ve tried to ignore me,¬† you can’t make it work by yourself. You need me to see the things you are blind to.

You are a bird. One day you came across a tree, from your perspective the tree seems perfect so you built your nest their. Over the months, the tree has provided you with warmth, shelter, food and safety. You love this tree, and your nest you have built there but at the end of the day you are not a tree you are a bird and you need to go explore. For what is the point of being a bird if you do not use your wings to fly? Yes you may miss the warmth and all the comforts the tree bought you, but once you have the seen the wonders of this world you will be so happy of the sacrifice you made. And once you’ve been around the world and seen all you long to see, you will find another tree to build a new nest in or if you are lucky you will find your way back to your first tree. Because that’s the difference between birds and trees, you will always find your tree right where you left it.

Its time to fly the nest, go on your adventure, feel the fear and do it anyway. Then one day you will return home where you can rebuild your nest and provide yourself with everything you’ve ever needed. This isn the end of your story, its only just the start.

We’re going to get through this together.

Yours sincerely
Brain

Go.

Go to the lakes, let them cleanse your wounds.
Go in the rain, let it wash away your sorrow.
Go to the mountains, let them gift you with perspective.
Go in the sun, let it give you a smile to borrow.
Go any where and everywhere.
Go, remind yourself, despite your pain it will all still be here tomorrow.

 

Not Ok.

It’s when you look at your phone and although you agreed no texting, your eyes ache at the blank space.
It’s turning over in the middle of the night reaching out for someone who isn’t there and never will be ever again.
It’s when something funny happens and you automatically go to tell them but you realise that you can’t and then your laughter turns to tears and you can’t remember why it was funny in the first place.
It’s when your talking to a friend and you’re like “oh my boyfriend…” and you have to stop yourself because you don’t know what he’s doing or who he’s with, and he’s not your boyfriend anymore, he’s just this guy I used to hang out with a lot, and that is supposed to be ok now.
It’s like every bad day you’ve ever had rolled into one, only there’s no cuddle at the end to hold you together and make it ok again.
It’s not ok.

 

The little things

Isn’t it weird how someone can enter your life and change it completely almost over night.

It is stranger still that when they leave again, they never really leave. Because like it or not they are apart of you now.

The new food, music, shows, culture, expieriences youve shared now influence your taste, your preferences and your sometimes even what you desire.

But its also the little things you miss, the silence where there once was humming, the joke that no one else would get but that one person, the way they knew what you were thinking before you knew it yourself.

Do you know what i’ll miss the most? His eyes. The way that I can look into them and feel like i’m the most magical person in the world. The way that there was no bad day that couldnt be salvaged by a cuddle and a cuppa. The way he laughed at my jokes like I was the funniest comedian in the whole world.

I miss it all. Because actually it was these little things that created “us”, it wasnt the grand gestures, proposals or earth changing things, it was the way he knew I was crying, even when it was dark and I wasn’t making a sound.

 

 

Thank you

Thank you for your patience, with upsets, with anger, with hormones and with tears;
with dreams, with immaturity, with illlness and with fears.

Thank you for your kindness, through cups of tea, cuddles and thoughful gifts;
through laughter, through encouragement and endless lifts.

Thank you for your love; for inviting me into your home, your family and life;
for telling me that someday, I’m going to be an amazing wife.

Thank you for your support, for never giving up on me even when I had myself;
for holding my hand through this shit storm, never once thinking of yourself.

Thank you for your attention, for the compliments, the adventures and the cinema dates;
for the netflix sessions, the holidays, and the M&C steaks.

Thank you for being the best boyfriend, right from the very start;
Thank you for who you are and everything you’ve done, thank you from the very bottom of my heart.