What a year.
One that I will look back on and know how strong I am because I made it through to see the other side.
I have lost a lot this year, some friends, my health, my childhood home, the closeness and unity of my family, my job and my long-term boyfriend. Lets face it, THIS YEAR SUCKED.
In June my mental health hit an all time low point, and I wanted to end my own life. I just couldn’t see the light at the end of the tunnel. Depression is terrfying. I’ve never been so happy of something that I failed at in my whole life.
I have also gained a lot from this year. There is something about hitting rock bottom that is strangely refreshing. It makes you realise what is real, what is not, who is there for you and who jumps ship when the shit hits the fan. I realised that life is not worth living if you are living for your own purpose. It enabled me to wholley give my life to God with no reserves, no doubts, no hesitation.
For the last couple of years i’ve been searching for happiness. My focus has been on getting the promotion, planning the perfect holiday but nothing was ever good enough. Don’t get me wrong, there were moments of happiness, ups and downs. Nevertheless, I I would never have found true joy outside of God.
For a long time I was angry because of all of the things “I had lost”. But how can you loose something that was never yours? I believe that everything I have, everything I am was given to me by God. So if he needed to take it all away to remind me that He is the only thing I need? I’m glad.
2017; it’s been a memorable one for sure.
2018? Bring. It. On.
This is my first Christmas in the new house. In fact – my first Christmas spent outside of Birmingham! It is also the first Christmas in my adult life without a boyfriend.
For anyone who has lost anyone, or anthing important this year, this Christmas will not feel as “Merry” as it perhaps should. For those of you spending Christmas away from family, I feel you.
Naturally it’s not going to feel the same. But that doesn’t mean that it has to feel sad. Christmas is about celebrating the birthday of Jesus, and thats what it should be. A celebration of all of the good people Jesus has given us in our lives. Those people may not be able to celebrate with us this year, or may not even want to celebrate with us this year. But still we can still celebrate the lessons learnt and the victories because even a broken heart is heart that has once experienced love. And I can’t think of a better thing to celebrate.
However this Christmas finds you, I hope you can put aside your sorrow for this one day and find joy in being alive and free.
Happiness is when you remember you’re wearing your favourite underwear today
Happiness is when there’s just enough cereal to get you through till lunch
Happiness is when you’re just about to make a drink and someone offers one to you
Happiness is giving a gift to someone without expecting anything in return
Happiness is receiving a compliment you didn’t even have to earn
Happiness is knowing that someone is there for you without asking them to stay
Happiness is lying in bed knowing everything is going to be ok
Happiness can be found in the little thing, each and everyday
It’s been ages since we’ve talked
It’s been longer since we kissed
And now I can’t help but look back
On all the things I’ve missed
I miss feeling safe and warm
When cuddled up at night
Now I’m alone in bed
And It just doesn’t feel right
When we talked I felt lighter
Like everything would be ok
Cause I knew whatever happened
You were there, at the end of the day
I liked telling you I felt happy
Cause’ you would feel the same
But I also knew when I was sad
That you would share the pain
Maybe I was sad for too long
Maybe you couldn’t take any more
Cause’ being there for somebody
Should never feel like a chore
I hope you know I never meant
To push you further and further away
It took everything I had in me
Just to make it through the day
I wish I could do it all again
Go back to the day we first met
For every day was full of love
And not one second of regret
Although it’s a while since we spoke
Since the day we decided to part
I need you to know that you’ll always
Hold a special place in my heart
Most people see the New Year
As their new beginning, a fresh start
But for me its Autumn
That hits refresh on my heart
Tis’ the season of jumpers
Pumpkins, colour and change
It always make me question why
Letting go always feels so strange
For some people are with you
For just a moment or a season
To help, love or guide you
Whatever the reason
Remember the summer but
Don’t be sad when the leaves fall
Sometimes God takes things away
So He can show us who we all are
What lies beneath the surface
The beauty hiding underneath
Is only truely revealed
On the falling of that last leaf
At first you might feel empty
You might feel cold and bare
But that is when you realise
Only God is ever truely there
For he is your roots and foundation
He holds you up, so you can stand
For he holds your whole life
In the palm of his hand
So bring on this fresh start
Rid me of all I once knew
For it is here in this emptiness
That I can truely know You