Will I ever not miss you?

It’s been ages since we’ve talked
It’s been longer since we kissed
And now I can’t help but look back
On all the things I’ve missed

I miss feeling safe and warm
When cuddled up at night
Now I’m alone in bed
And It just doesn’t feel right

When we talked I felt lighter
Like everything would be ok
Cause I knew whatever happened
You were there, at the end of the day

I liked telling you I felt happy
Cause’ you would feel the same
But I also knew when I was sad
That you would share the pain

Maybe I was sad for too long
Maybe you couldn’t take any more
Cause’ being there for somebody
Should never feel like a chore

I hope you know I never meant
To push you further and further away
It took everything I had in me
Just to make it through the day

I wish I could do it all again
Go back to the day we first met
For every day was full of love
And not one second of regret

Although it’s a while since we spoke
Since the day we decided to part
I need you to know that you’ll always
Hold a special place in my heart

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A fresh start

Most people see the New Year
As their new beginning, a fresh start

But for me its Autumn
That hits refresh on my heart

Tis’ the season of jumpers
Pumpkins, colour and change
It always make me question why
Letting go always feels so strange

For some people are with you
For just a moment or a season
To help, love or guide you
Whatever the reason

Remember the summer but
Don’t be sad when the leaves fall
Sometimes God takes things away
So He can show us who we all are

What lies beneath the surface
The beauty hiding underneath
Is only truely revealed
On the falling of that last leaf

At first you might feel empty
You might feel cold and bare
But that is when you realise
Only God is ever truely there

For he is your roots and foundation
He holds you up, so you can stand
For he holds your whole life
In the palm of his hand

So bring on this fresh start
Rid me of all I once knew
For it is here in this emptiness
That I can truely know You

Autumn

Autumn has to be my favourite season of the year. The bright vibrant colours, the oversized woolly jumpers, mustard coloured hats, and of course I am a sucker for a pumpkin spiced latte.

Autumn shows us how beautiful the process of “letting go” can be.

Time to get rid of old habbits, old routines, all of the baggage you have been carrying around all year. It might feel scary, you might feel bare. But you need to let go of things that have died so that new things can grow. Relationships, possessions, jobs, whatever it might be. Eventually you’ll get used to it not being there. You’ll learn to love who you are without those things, and as soon as you do spring will be here. Bringing new life, joy and colour.

Relapse

Why do I torture myself late at night?

I feel like I’m poking a wound, and I don’t like the look of the scar it’s going to make so I keep letting it bleed. After all, the pain is the only thing left connecting us together. And the longer we spend apart the weaker that connection becomes.

The longer we go without speaking to each other the more I realise I can’t even remember the tone of your voice. The longer we don’t see each other the less I remember what you look like. And even when I look at the pictures we have together they don’t look the same.

I used to look at them and see magic, now all I see is pain.

 

It’s been a while…

It’s been a while since I saw you
It feels like a lifetime ago
I relive it almost everyday
All that we went through

I hope you are doing okay
I keep you in my prayers
One day I know we’ll look back
And see it was worth all the tears

I’ll never forget all that you did
Or how you made me feel
You were my lighthouse
The only safety that felt real

If I could change one thing
If I could do it all again
I would save you first
Shelter you from my pain

I know I asked too much
That I was a burden to bare
I relied on your strength
And I know that it wasnt fair

Its been a while since you held me
A lifetime since we kissed
I hope you know how much
Your presence is missed

Personality test

There are some tests you want to pass (an exam for example), others you might want to fail (an unwanted pregnancy test for example) and then there are those which you can neither pass or fail. Now, you might wonder what the point of these types of tests are but actually they can be more empowering than any grade on a test.

Recently I took part in a Myas Briggs Personality testing day. I have to say, it was an incredible expierience. Before the day I had to complete a questionaire and send it in to the centre. In the morning, the training taught us about the four different personality catogories…

The first catogory is quite commonly achknowledged: (E)xtroverted OR (I)ntroverted.
Its worth noting that the introvert in not nessessarily a shy loner and the extrovert is not always the crazy party animal. You can be a shy extrovert, or a confident introvert. Your E/I preference comes from whether you get your energy from other people or from private quiet time. I always thought I was an introvert because sometimes I do feel like an awkward turtle in the corner at a party, but actually as soon as I find my feet I feel energized by the atmosphere and the people I interact with. So turns out, I am a socially awkward extrovert. This actually made a lot of sense, I was able to understand why leaving work was such a loss for me because I lost my interaction with people, my way of getting energy.

The second catogory was i(N)tuative or (S)ensual. This one is a little less obvious to distingush between. Sensual people like to be in the moment, enjoy detail and following steps. Intuative people, however find them themselves thinking “big picture” rather than details prefer to multitask and often leave a mess behind!

The third is (T)hinker or (F)eeler. So this one depends on whether you tend to make head over heart or heart over head decisions.

The last catogory is (P)erciever or (J)udgement. P’s do not like making decisions, hate closure, often leave work to the deadline. J’s make decisions easily, need closure and are often very organised usually starting work towards a deadline as soon as they get it. These are the people who finish Christmas shopping in November!

Obviously this is just a summary of the different catogories. The day covered much more including your predominant charactoristics, common clashes and compliments between different personalities. It really helped me understand my relationships, and myself much more clearly. Well worth a look if you are interested!

My sister

Do you know that you are beautiful?
That your light shines from the inside out
That you inspire and guide people
You are my muse, without a doubt

Do you know that you are kind?
That you have so much to give
That you are effortlessly selfless
That you embody the life we all should live

Do you know that you are funny?
That you bring smiles to those who are upset
That you fill rooms with laughter
That your impression is impossible to forget

Do you know you are brave?
That you can face any problem life throws
That you are full of courage, love and life
And it beams out from your head to your toes

Do you know how proud I am of you?
You are the bestest friend I could ask for
I hope you now know and understand that
You are all these things and so much more

 

 

 

 

 

Goodbye sadness

Today I have decided to let go
To acknowledge the past and carry on
Now I have proceesed all the bad times
Where im going is better than where i’m from

I will not apologise for my depression
I will not try to forget
But I will use the lessons I have learnt
To become the best version of myself yet

I will turn tears into lessons
Heartbreak into grit
Pain into motivation
So I know I’ll never quit

I say goodbye to my sadness
I’ll wear happiness as my new crown
For the greatest lesson you’ll ever learn
Is how to get up when you’ve been knocked down

Bumble Bee

I think there is a Bumble Bee stuck in my chest
It flys around my rib cage and won’t let me rest

It desperately desires to escape, it craves to be free
Feeling deficient of sunlight and I can’t help but agree

It remembers what it was like in its prime
But it’s memories and reality no longer align

It is slowly but surely losing the will to fly
But knows the only way out is to let go and die

 

 

 

 

Fear.

Today I am going to write about something very personal and of a very sensitive nature.

This post was inspired by watching the first three episodes of “Jessica Jones” on Netflix. If you haven’t seen it, the premise is that JJ is a PI and has super natural strength. Like most main characters, she has a troubled past. Only hers seem to hit a nerve as she was once abducted by a man who had a super natural power to control her mind and her actions even though she really didn’t want to do any of those things.

Watching this made me think of my past, and of the men that have had this power over me. For the record, I don’t think that this kind of manipulation is confined to male behaviour. It just so happens that my personal experience involves men.

The first time this happened to me I was 14. I attended my family church’s youth meetings/events. I was quite mature for most 14 year olds having already fully developed curves etc, whilst most of my friends wouldnt need to buy bras for another year or so. One of the youth leaders stood out to me, the only thing I knew about him was that he was really clever and that he hung around with the popular kids, and although I am ashamed to admitt it, I had a slight crush on him.

I can’t remember exactly how it happened, but I know that some how he added me on Skype and we began talking online. Over a few months he gained my trust and I shared with him things I would never had talked about face-to-face but some how online, he made me feel safe and it felt good to share my troubles with someone who appeared to have my best interest at heart and he was 3 years older than me so he knew more about the world. Eventually he started to flirt with me, and being 14 I didn’t know any better. He then started to twist my words and make me feel guilty about not agreeing to go on a date with him. But at that point he had me, I had become dependent on our conversations and although we argued about dating etc. he always managed to reel me back in changing the conversation topic, biding his time untill the next time he broched the topic of a date. This went on for a few months, and eventually I tried to not speak to him online, but he would send messages to make me feel guilty and I always ended up oversharing with him. The day I realised how wrong it was I was confiding in a female youth leader (face-to-face) and although I didn’t share any of the deep personal things I had shared with this guy, I admitted to her how vulrable he had made me feel.

She then told me how he had done the same thing to her and a few of her friends. I think that was the first time his spell was truely broken, alongside my heart.

The second time this happened to me I was four years older, 18 and working at a bar at the airport. It was the first job I actually enjoyed. Even though I stopped going to church, I was enjoying the social aspect as well as the customer service element of the job. Then a new team leader joined and nothing was ever the same. At first he appeared charismatic and an opportunity for career development. He taught me new things and gave me “special treatment” he soon became my work friend. He would schedule our breaks together so that he could join me and spend some quality time getting to know me. He would message me on my days off to see how I was doing. Then he started to pick me up and drop me home after shift. He made my life a lot easier and I wasn’t complaining.

He then started to push the boundaries. On a night out he took advantage of how drunk I was, and kissed me. He then got into a fight over another guy who was giving me some unwanted attention and I stayed behind from the rest of the group to make sure he was ok. Looking back I’m not sure if that was just a move to get me alone or what it was. He then started to play the “lets see how many times I can unhook Beth’s bra strap (over her clothes) at the most inappropriate moments” game. And would take me down to the cellar to “teach me how to change a barrell” whilst taking the opportuity to try to kiss me.

One afternoon I was walking home from the train station after having a few drinks with my best work friend at the time. As always he was texting me, only this time he managed to catch me when I was too tipsy to be on my guard. I told him where I had been and that I was heading home. Ten minutes later his car pulled up and he told me to get in so he would drop me home claiming it was “unsafe” for a women to walk home at that time of night. But then he drove past my house and kept driving. I asked where he was taking me but he wouldn’t answer.

He took me to an abanded car park at the back of the train station, no one was around and it was getting dark. We talked for about an hour. He told me he knew I was a virgin and that I should trust him to solve that “problem”. I said that I wasn’t interested and he persisted. Thats when he ran his hand up my thigh and told me it was natural to be nervous.

I’ve never been more scared than I was in that moment. I had heard and read stories about rape but I never thought it would happen to me. So I got out the car and I ran. I never saw him again. Long story short, I eventually told my manager, he got fired and I quit.

Four years later, I still fear running into either of these men. I still have nightmares involving them. I hate that I allow them to have that power over me. I was one of the lucky ones, no actual crime was commited that night. Yet I still have a voice in my head that tells me both incidents were my fault.

The reason I wrote this blog is to try and release the power they still have over me. I told myself that if I am ready to tell my story to the world, it means I am ready to forgive myself and gain back some of that power I lost.

If you, or someone you know has gone through anything like this before, or are currently going through it now, I urge you to speak up. No matter how much you tell yourself its your fault. Please tell someone you trust whats going on, before its too late.