The voice inside my head

Over the last 6 months my life has fell to pieces. I’ve lost my health, my family home, the luxery of living at home with my family, hell the luxery of having parents within a 200 mile radius, my job, and now as the cherry on top i’ve also broken up with my boyfriend, loosing his family, the house we were in the process of buying, and my best friend along with that.

A side affect of my health condition is anxiety and depression. So doctors think its a biological response, not an emotional response. Regardless, I have had it bad.

Sometimes I can’t see an end to this relentless hurricane that has been destroying my life. All of a sudden there is no light at the end of the tunnel. The only thing I can think of is ending this pain that I feel inside.

Depression is real. Anxiety exsists. My brain is broken in so many different places I don’t even know where to start trying to put it together again, or if I will ever be able to.

 

 

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In sickness and in health

Recently I have been diagnosed with a rare autoimmune disease called Morphea. If you’ve heard of it, I’m impressed because even my GP looked at my blankly.

The weird thing is that I’ve had it for as long as I can remember. I have patches of skin on my body that kind of look like bruises or stretched pieces of skin. It is caused by an issue with my blood vessels, they are too constricted, so the blood can’t get to the surface of the skin and it dies. Even though I have had patches develop over the last 12-14 years on my arm and back, I noticed a year ago that a new, more violent patch was developing on my breast.

The doctors don’t quite know what to do with me. On the one hand, if they leave it, it could potentially go deeper and deeper into my tissue/muscles and will eventually reach my organs. But on the other hand, the methotrexate will potentially make my hair fall out, give me nausea and make me infertile.

As you can imagine, this is very difficult information to process. But I will. I will get through this, because people get through much worse things. My conclusion is that I need to learn to love myself, “through sickness and in health”. Most people usually vow to love their spouse, through any situation. I am not ready for marriage yet but in order for me to be able to do that one day, I first have to learn to love myself no matter what my body throws at me. I could be angry that it has happened to me “why me?”, I could be frustrated that I didn’t catch it earlier or resentful of the doctors who have misdiagnosed me for the last 22 years. But whatever happens, it is my body and I have to feed it, wash it, take care of it and most importantly love it unconditionally because who else will if I don’t?